It is time to clean the storage unit and that means going though the boxes of Mom's things. Almost everything was liquidated in the bankruptcy and estate sale, but she did get to keep many of her precious books and notebooks and papers. Many of these items are stuffed with tissues. That was her preferred bookmark when she was ill. That and the letters of friends and well-wishers.
For Christmas this year John and I decided not to buy each other gifts, but instead to spend the money on things for our home. Some of those "things" are four new bookcases. They have been installed in the library and the office. Now Mom's books can have a home with mine. One of her dreams was to have a library so I am putting all of her books into the library.
Going through these boxes of books brings back so many memories. I can remember when many of them appeared in our home reminding me of that period in our lives. I remember the Watchman Nee books with the brightly colored, rather ugly covers from when I was really young. She got them around the time that I was born so I remember various bookshelves they sat on throughout the years. I didn't really like them because the colors of the cover were so hideous and boring.
I remember the set of Gesenius' Hebrew-Chaldee Lexicon to the Old Testament and Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament appearing in my early school years. They were interesting to me because of their long titles and I thought the word "lexicon" sounded really special and important. I remember around the same time seeing the Strong's with Hebrew-Chaldee and Greek Dictionaries appear. It was even better than the previous two books because it was made of burgundy leather and had guilded letters. It was so pretty that I was kind of afraid to touch it. It isn't as pretty now. It has seen many years of use as Mom explored different topics of research in it.
Later, around third or fourth grade I remember the introduction of The New Unger's Bible Dictionary. I remember the discussion she had with Dad about ordering it. It had been referenced in a sermon at church sparking Mom's interest. I actually really liked this book. I would pull it out and look up things we talked about in Children's Church or things I wanted to know more about from my Bible memory verses that I was required to learn in school or just because I wanted to know more about the ancient lands and people listed on the map of my own Bible.
In fifth grade I was taken out of school mid-year to be home-schooled. Naturally that meant lots more books. Many of them she donated to other people who decided to home-school their kids, but when I was unpacking the boxes I found one she read aloud to us during our afternoon reading time. It was the biography of Rees Howells titled Rees Howells Intercessor by Norman Grubb.
In high school, Peter Marshall, son of the great Catherine Marshall, was on a speaking tour and visited our church. We got to meet him and talk to him and Mom bought two of books that she didn't already own. One of them was From Sea to Shining Sea that he wrote and the other, Christy, was written by Catherine Marshall but signed by her son. It was given to me as a Christmas gift.
Later, Mom's interest in Hebrew and Judaism led to the introduction of The First Hebrew Primer. She loved learning Hebrew. When going through her things, we found her carefully crafted flashcards. She made them on index cards with a Sharpie. They show her precise, neat hand. I remember going over to her house and while I was chatting with her she would be writing out translations of simple sentences in Hebrew. Her neat precise handwriting on white paper. She wrote with a pencil so she could easily correct mistakes while keeping the page neat.
As I continue to unpack her treasures, I know I will come across more of her favorite titles. I am also sure that I will come across more Kleenex bookmarks. When I do, I will smile through my tears.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Saturday, September 22, 2012
The Sacrament of Letting Go
On the first day of Fall 2012, I share this with you:
Leader:
"That is why I am telling you not to worry about your life and what you are to eat, nor about your body and what you are to wear. Surely life is more than food and the body more than clothing! Look at the birds in the sky. They do not sow or reap or gather into barns; yet your heavenly Creator feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they are?" (Matt 6:25-26)
Response: Slowly
She celebrated the sacrament of letting go.
First she surrendered her green
then the orange, yellow, and red
finally she let go of her brown
shedding her last leaf
she stood empty and silent, stripped bare.
Leaning against the winter sky
she began her vigil of trust
Leader:
And Jesus said: "Why do you worry about clothes? Remember the flowers growing in the fields; they do not fret about what to wear; yet I assure you not even Solomon in all his royal robes was dressed like one of these."
Response:
Shedding her last leaf
she watched its journey to the ground.
She stood in silence
wearing the color of emptiness
her branches wondering:
How do you give shade with so much gone?
Leader:
And Jesus said: "Do not be troubled or needlessly concerned."
Response:
And then,
the sacrament of waiting began.
The sunrise and sunset watched with tenderness
clothing her with silhouettes
they kept her hope alive.
They helped her understand that
her vulnerability
her dependence and need
her emptiness
her readiness to receive
were giving her a new kind of beauty.
Every morning and every evening
they stood in silence
and celebrated together
the sacrament of waiting.
Leader:
And Jesus said: "Now if that is how God cares for the wild flowers in the fields which are here today and gone tomorrow, will God not all the more care for you...?"
From an autumn service at Normandale Hylands United Methodist Church in Bloomington, Minnesota, 2011.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
About Systemic Scleroderma
From the back of Mom's funeral program:
Mom fought a very long battle with what was eventually determined to be systemic scleroderma. For the last year of her life, she received treatment at the Fairview University Medical Center Scleroderma Clinic (University of Minnesota) and was part of a scientific study to help further the understanding of this relatively rare illness. She was a lifelong learner who was always interested in furthering education. In tribute to her passion for knowledge, we include information about the the disease that so tragically affected her.
Scleroderma, also known as systemic sclerosis, is a chronic disease that causes skin thickening and tightening, a buildup of scar tissue, and damage to internal body organs. There are several types of scleroderma and related diseases with complications ranging from minor to life-threatening. Scleroderma can involve almost every organ system including the skin, vascular system, lungs, gastrointestinal tract, heart, joints, muscles, etc. Furthermore, this disease varies greatly from patient to patient, and can dramatically impact someone's life. To learn more about this disease or to find out how you can volunteer or donate to help others whose lives are touched by this disease please visit www.scleroderma.org or www.sclerodermaresearch.org .
Monday, August 20, 2012
Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi
This prayer was given to Mom by her hospice chaplain, Rev. Catherine Duncan. Mom attached it to her little caddy that sat on the table beside her chair. I remember them saying it together as Mom was gasping for air in her final days. It something I reflect on daily. It is a prayer I say for myself and when I do so, I think of Mom. Here it is:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, ligh;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, ligh;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Tonight I Hurt
We all experience things in our lives that hurt. Tonight, I hurt. It is when I hurt that I miss Mom the most. She was always a support. With a Scripture, a prayer and words of wisdom she comforted many, but she especially comforted her children. She is not here to help me with my hurt. To wrap me in her arms. To shed tears with me. To remind me that "this too shall pass." That is a lonely feeling. However, in keeping with her legacy Sara, my sister, gave me words of encouragement and the Scripture, Psalm 10. Here it is for you to read in the NIV version:
Psalm 10
1 Why, Lord, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
2 In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts about the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the Lord.
4 In his pride the wicked man does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous;
your laws are rejected by[b] him;
he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, “Nothing will ever shake me.”
He swears, “No one will ever do me harm.”
who are caught in the schemes he devises.
3 He boasts about the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the Lord.
4 In his pride the wicked man does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room for God.
5 His ways are always prosperous;
your laws are rejected by[b] him;
he sneers at all his enemies.
6 He says to himself, “Nothing will ever shake me.”
He swears, “No one will ever do me harm.”
7 His mouth is full of lies and threats;
trouble and evil are under his tongue.
8 He lies in wait near the villages;
from ambush he murders the innocent.
His eyes watch in secret for his victims;
9 like a lion in cover he lies in wait.
He lies in wait to catch the helpless;
he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
10 His victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength.
11 He says to himself, “God will never notice;
he covers his face and never sees.”
trouble and evil are under his tongue.
8 He lies in wait near the villages;
from ambush he murders the innocent.
His eyes watch in secret for his victims;
9 like a lion in cover he lies in wait.
He lies in wait to catch the helpless;
he catches the helpless and drags them off in his net.
10 His victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength.
11 He says to himself, “God will never notice;
he covers his face and never sees.”
12 Arise, Lord! Lift up your hand, O God.
Do not forget the helpless.
13 Why does the wicked man revile God?
Why does he say to himself,
“He won’t call me to account”?
14 But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted;
you consider their grief and take it in hand.
The victims commit themselves to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked man;
call the evildoer to account for his wickedness
that would not otherwise be found out.
Do not forget the helpless.
13 Why does the wicked man revile God?
Why does he say to himself,
“He won’t call me to account”?
14 But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted;
you consider their grief and take it in hand.
The victims commit themselves to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless.
15 Break the arm of the wicked man;
call the evildoer to account for his wickedness
that would not otherwise be found out.
16 The Lord is King for ever and ever;
the nations will perish from his land.
17 You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
18 defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
so that mere earthly mortals
will never again strike terror.
the nations will perish from his land.
17 You, Lord, hear the desire of the afflicted;
you encourage them, and you listen to their cry,
18 defending the fatherless and the oppressed,
so that mere earthly mortals
will never again strike terror.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
When the door opens...
Mom was a person of faith. She sometimes did things that didn't make sense to anyone but her because she was following her path of faith. The journey that was uniquely hers. It is something I am learning how to do myself.
Yesterday, I was at lunch with a new-found friend who was explaining to me about a charity she founded some time ago. She explained how life had crept in, as it often does, and caused her good intentions to be put to rest, but suddenly and inexplicably this cause had come to the front of her mind and heart nagging to be looked at again. Obedient to the internal urge, she pulled this dream off the shelf and examined again. It is a tremendous project whose magnitude would cause some less innovative-types to explode with doubt. However, she prayed, "This is such a big project, God. I don't even know where to begin." Her answer came during her daily twenty mile bike ride. She was to sit down and make a list of the beginning steps, the start of her journey of faith. At the beginning of her list was to find an illustrator to make her logo.
It was my last day at a job that I knew I had to leave. Although it seemed to some strange that I would leave a job I seemed so particularly suited to, I had the strong internal urge telling me that it was a job that kept me from being who I really am and doing the creative things I do best. I fought the urge to leave for quite awhile, but when off for two weeks following surgery I could no longer ignore it. It was saying to me, "until you are obedient to your dreams, you will remain in this place of stasis and be unable to function in any capacity other than the requirements of this job." I, too, prayed, "This is such a big step; I don't really even know what I'm doing next!" The answer came, when you close this door by quitting you'll open the door to other possibilities. Putting in my notice was the start of my journey of faith. I worked my two weeks with people asking me what I was going to do. I said to them, "I'm going to take a break and, hopefully, go back to being who I really am and doing what I really love." My manager who didn't want me to leave kept pressing me about what I was going to do. I finally answered, "I don't know. When the door opens I'll walk through it. Then I will know."
On my last day, a customer who I helped many times before came to the department I worked in. She looked for me. I wasn't there. She found someone else to help her. I was downstairs saying good-bye to my colleagues and taking a quick break. I kept feeling like there was something important I needed to get back to upstairs, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was. I had been tying up any potential loose ends all day. I figured if I went back upstairs maybe I would remember or someone would say something to jog my memory. When I got there a colleague was trying to wrap up some alterations with a customer so she could go on her dinner break. I offered to take over so she could go ahead and eat. She took me up on the offer, but didn't know the name of the customer only that the customer had alterations that needed a rush and the tailor shop didn't think they could accommodate her. The door opened and I realized it was a customer I knew. I remarked that it was my last day and she remarked that she thought I was already gone. "Do you know of any good illustrators that could help me with a logo for my charity," she asked. I smiled. My best friend is an artist and I am meeting with another artist for a logo for something else this week. She tells me about her dream. I tell her that many of the things she needs, I know how to administrate. We talked and exchanged numbers and later had lunch. I have a new-found friend and a door that opened. I'm walking through it. I'll see where my faith journey takes me and on this journey I am certain one day I will know.
 |
| 239 Sussex Gardens |
Yesterday, I was at lunch with a new-found friend who was explaining to me about a charity she founded some time ago. She explained how life had crept in, as it often does, and caused her good intentions to be put to rest, but suddenly and inexplicably this cause had come to the front of her mind and heart nagging to be looked at again. Obedient to the internal urge, she pulled this dream off the shelf and examined again. It is a tremendous project whose magnitude would cause some less innovative-types to explode with doubt. However, she prayed, "This is such a big project, God. I don't even know where to begin." Her answer came during her daily twenty mile bike ride. She was to sit down and make a list of the beginning steps, the start of her journey of faith. At the beginning of her list was to find an illustrator to make her logo.
It was my last day at a job that I knew I had to leave. Although it seemed to some strange that I would leave a job I seemed so particularly suited to, I had the strong internal urge telling me that it was a job that kept me from being who I really am and doing the creative things I do best. I fought the urge to leave for quite awhile, but when off for two weeks following surgery I could no longer ignore it. It was saying to me, "until you are obedient to your dreams, you will remain in this place of stasis and be unable to function in any capacity other than the requirements of this job." I, too, prayed, "This is such a big step; I don't really even know what I'm doing next!" The answer came, when you close this door by quitting you'll open the door to other possibilities. Putting in my notice was the start of my journey of faith. I worked my two weeks with people asking me what I was going to do. I said to them, "I'm going to take a break and, hopefully, go back to being who I really am and doing what I really love." My manager who didn't want me to leave kept pressing me about what I was going to do. I finally answered, "I don't know. When the door opens I'll walk through it. Then I will know."
On my last day, a customer who I helped many times before came to the department I worked in. She looked for me. I wasn't there. She found someone else to help her. I was downstairs saying good-bye to my colleagues and taking a quick break. I kept feeling like there was something important I needed to get back to upstairs, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was. I had been tying up any potential loose ends all day. I figured if I went back upstairs maybe I would remember or someone would say something to jog my memory. When I got there a colleague was trying to wrap up some alterations with a customer so she could go on her dinner break. I offered to take over so she could go ahead and eat. She took me up on the offer, but didn't know the name of the customer only that the customer had alterations that needed a rush and the tailor shop didn't think they could accommodate her. The door opened and I realized it was a customer I knew. I remarked that it was my last day and she remarked that she thought I was already gone. "Do you know of any good illustrators that could help me with a logo for my charity," she asked. I smiled. My best friend is an artist and I am meeting with another artist for a logo for something else this week. She tells me about her dream. I tell her that many of the things she needs, I know how to administrate. We talked and exchanged numbers and later had lunch. I have a new-found friend and a door that opened. I'm walking through it. I'll see where my faith journey takes me and on this journey I am certain one day I will know.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
The Dry Cough
I can't remember exactly when it started, but I have memories of Mom with this dry, fairly persistent cough back when she and we kids were living with my Aunt Kathy (around 1994). It was a horrible period in her life as the family was separated and she (along with everyone in the family) suffered from financial hardship after Dad had been laid off. She was learning about a different place in the world. It was the place of poverty. Her new place in the world was a transition from the place she had been in before. Not only had the rules changed, but the whole game had changed! Mom used to say she could finally understand the phrase "the grinding wheel of poverty." One tough break leads to another and then another. Before you know it you're "at the bottom of the heap." Mom was stressed. She was trying to figure out what was the best thing to do for her family. She had no choice but to lose all of her pride and accept other peoples' charity along with its stipulations. She may have lost her pride as others dictated what she could have or do or eat, but she never lost her diginity. What she did begin to lose, however, was her health. I would learn more about that later...
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